My heart is heavy. The kind of aching heavy that you can't quite seem to get a full breath in. But you breathe anyway. Maybe not fully but, you have to let the air continue to fill you. You have to open your eyes to the day, even if your vision is distorted with tears. Your heart is attacking the rest of your body and your mind is racing at all of the unknowns. And you just want to scream "Why?"
It doesn't make sense. And all of the cliche Christian antidotes are trash in the heap of this pain. Tomorrow won't be better or brighter, because the vision you had for it was stolen from you. You've prayed, you've waited, you've mourned, and all you can truly know for sure is, you are still here.
I'm not in the valley today, but I ache with you who are. My heart cries out to God on your behalf, and I want to share this burden with you. I want to take what is yours and carry it for a moment. I want to be your breath so that you can be breath for the ones you love.
Isaiah 43:1 But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
These are words spoken by God, giving authority and certainty to them being fulfilled and true. Verse 1 reminds us that He created and formed us. He made a decision, an important one, and you were it. You, with all of your undone's and not quite right's; you with your ache and your pain and your uncertainty. Just as you are, to be just who you are, in the place that you are, bearing the season that you are in.
Then, He tells us not to be afraid. He wouldn't tell us this over and over, if there weren't real true ugly painful things to fear in this life. But, despite the reality of the storm surrounding you, God is telling you not to fear - because He has redeemed you. On our own, we absolutely have all the rights to fear, but God is saying that in His redemption of us, He has changed us. We aren't alone. It isn't just you against your pain. It's the Holy Spirit within you, God Almighty surrounding you, and Jesus' arms holding you.
Notice though, Jesus doesn't tell us not to feel sad. He doesn't say not to be angry or hurt or grieved. He gave you those emotions to feel them to their core and run to Him with all of your being because you just can't bear them. Evil, loss, and death weren't His ideas at all, they grieve Him, and to His deepest root He wants to bear your burdens. With all of the hurt and evil surrounding you, Jesus is asking you to fix your eyes solely on Him. Allow the awful things of the world to be in your peripherals, not unseen or unfelt, but foggier, as you see His face with clarity. As you focus your entire being onto Him, your Savior King, you know even when you don't see a way through, you can reach for His stable hand to steady your next step. Breathe in His presence, one more step.
The verse says, "I have called you by name;" not my given name, Jessica. No, Jessica is weak. Jessica can't even fill her own lungs without the air God is giving her. Jessica is hammered down by the pains of this world and trampled over by the fears of tomorrow. But look what the verse says our names are - HIS. "I have called you by your name; You are Mine." Sister, that is who you are. You are the daughter of the Most High King. He looks down at you in all of your trials and tragedy and He sees you, holds you, wipes away your tears, and mourns with you as He calls you "Mine." You fell, and you are heavy hearted, but you are here, and you are His.
Oh how deeply my heart wishes the verse spared some of us by saying "if" you pass through the waters.... and "if" you walk through the fire; however, it starts with when. In this life we will have many trials. I don't know what your ache is today, but I know it is real. I know it isn't what you dreamed of. I know you don't see past it right now and you don't need to. There isn't a promise in this verse to take away the pain, but a promise that God will be with you in it and you will not be destroyed.
Read it again.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
If you aren't in it now, there will be waters that you could never cross on your own. God parted the Red Sea for His children to cross on dry land and not be overtaken by their enemy. He will part your sea, He will make a way out of no way. It may not look pretty, and it may ache. But, Jesus has already laid his body down for you, He wants to be your way to cross. The rivers will flow, but they won't overflow you. The fire will burn, but it won't burn His daughter.
In the middle of your storm sister, can you lay your trust in the hands of a God who heals? In the hands of a God who gives life and takes it away for His glory and His plans that we can't quite make sense of. Can you let Him anchor you to the ground when your feet want to waver and your knees are weak and your heart is heavy?
In the midst of your deep sorrow can you be brave enough to look up and tell Him you'll trust His heart when you can't see His hands? Can you scream to the enemy of your soul that you will trust the Almighty Sovereign God even when you don't know which way to go? In the middle of your trial, will you bless His Holy name through aching hurts and unknown futures because of the things you are sure of?
He is good.
And, He is for you.
Of course you will sister. Because you are brave. You are broken and undone and totally unspeakably brave. When you were taken from, you gave. When you were withheld from, you held nothing back.
You knew the potential for the greatest pain was to open yourself up to the greatest love. And you chose to love.
I honor you. I mourn with you.
Jessica
This blog is a tribute to Christina Cichon. A brave mommy who carried her son Niko right below her heart for 9 beautifully perfect months. He weighed 7 lbs 11 ounces and had the most beautiful full head of brown hair. He never took a breath on earth but entered heaven on his birth date, August 5, 2021, as an angel instead.
In the fresh ache of her loss, Christina became a hero. Through her own fire, she helped to put someone else's out. She endured pumping to donate breast milk to babies in the NICU. She gave the precious milk that her body created for her son to someone else's son. Through her tears she remained faithful to the God who gives and takes away.
Christina, you are brave and my heart holds you today. Niko will never be forgotten and neither will your sacrifice. You are a beautiful daughter, sister, friend, hero, and mom. And, we see you.
Would you consider donating to The Still Remembered Project with me? This Friday, October 15th, is Stillborn Remembrance Day. Please join me in telling these mommy's that we see them and remember their loss.
https://stillremembered.org
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