Sometime last school year, I asked this dear coworker of mine if she'd ever want to write a blog post for Speaking of Grace. This woman's smile is filled with joy. The kind of joy that can only come through wisdom earned. She's a teacher that loves her kids for who they are and points them to their Savior in the way she provides grace, encouragement, and consistent compassion. It is my honor to welcome Rebecca Edwards to Speaking of Grace.
Shame
Shame is learned. We are not born with shame. Shame says “I am an unwanted mistake. I am not good enough.” But, rather than accepting shame, try asking yourself “Where did I learn this? Why am I accepting shame to control and define my life when it didn’t create me to begin with?”
Through different seasons and over the last fifteen years of my life, I have let shame and guilt control my life. But shame and guilt hold very different meanings. Guilt means I made a mistake. Shame means I am the mistake.
In college, I sought help for a back injury that in turn would lead me down a very dark road abusing prescription drugs that were once written to me legally. Doctors just continued to fill me up with what eventually was the new way of life for me. I was oblivious to the addiction and simply enjoying life at a dark and selfish pace. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to clean myself up, graduate, and pursue my dream of teaching.
But shortly after my new journey began, I married someone who I thought would be my forever. Two years later, we found ourselves as new parents and right in the middle of a divorce. This wasn’t working. And it was when shame became my new identity.
My three-month-old and I moved in with my Mom and started life over again. I allowed shame to control my life, bringing old addictions back and I allowed all this to mask the hurt inside me. Fast forward two years and God had thought of a new plan - I will bless her with a daughter! While this surprise didn’t seem to be a blessing at the time, this beautiful girl turned out to be my saving grace. I sobered up again and thanked God for a chance to start over.
What I didn’t prepare myself for was the coming emotions of guilt and shame over all I had been through and who I had become. I was guilty of taking the blessings God gave me for granted and shameful that my new life was now that of a single mother of two kids with different fathers, addicted to substances and taking all of my family for granted.
I hit rock bottom came when my brother mustered up the toughest love he could find and explained to me that I had two choices before me: either I will get clean once and for all or lose everything. The enabling and excuses were coming to a halt and I had to make a decision. I took a long look at my kids and began crying out to God. That was when the Father reminded me that my daughter’s middle name was no coincidence…Grace! Grace had been extended to me so many times and now it was time to truly accept it and give my kids the Mama they deserved. This would not prove an easy walk and I wanted to quit many times.
But God! I am grateful to say I am now twelve years clean and in the best health of my life in my forties! In the midst of all the chaos, God sent my kids and I exactly who we needed, my true love and my best friend. Incidentally, we celebrate twelve years of marriage together this year. God has the best timing.
While I am so grateful for my testimony, it would be great if I could honestly say that shame doesn’t ever rear its ugly head anymore. But, unfortunately it does. You see, because of all the bad choices I made for my body, I began to face a very long road with dental issues. For the past five years, I’ve had to endure a lot of pain, embarrassment, and financial costs. As I began the long road of extractions, replacements, and more, I carried the weight of shame and guilt every time I walked into the dental office.
I recently completed my journey with this and it wasn’t until the last two visits that I heard the Father saying “You have always been the editor of your story.” An editor controls what the story includes. I have the power to pick up the pen and edit the story God is authoring in my life…to be a co-laborer and partner with God! Another thing an editor can do is control the headline. Headlines are meant to grab the reader’s attention and set the story up. The headline is bold and it is what gives you a sense of what is to come. Although I have always been the editor in my own life, a new story is being written now. What brought me a lot of pain and discomfort has now become my testimony. I am free of shame and grateful that God has allowed me to continue partnering with Him to write my story.
If you take nothing else from my testimony, please know how important these things are for you to be set free from shame:
Receive God’s forgiveness.
Eliminate not tolerate. Do not tolerate thoughts of “If only I had…” Rebuke them!
Make a decision to refocus your thoughts and fix your eyes on Jesus.
Turn regret into motivation! Motivate yourself to be the editor of a new story and understand that breath in our lungs means the story isn’t over.
“Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” Romans 10:11
“Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22
Shame? What shame? Guilt? There is no more guilt!
