I entered marriage with a garbage truck full of shame and regret from my past. I had found a new life in Christ in the Fall of 2012 and found myself married in the Fall of 2013. I was totally surrendered to this new way of living. I loved Jesus, and I craved what he wanted for me. I was leading a small women's Bible Study and attending church regularly with my husband. I talked the talk and truly walked the walk. My heart was changed. I didn't crave the things I once craved.
What the church didn't tell me, was that my past would try to hunt me down. Those shameful moments that I'd leave at the altar week after week, they'd follow and harass me. My past would try to pull me back into its dark grave. It would never stop, until I was destroyed. Every night, unless I knelt to pray loud, heart crying prayers, I would have night terrors. I'd cry and scream. Soaked in sweat, I'd wake in the middle of the night thinking I had done something terrible. The plot typically took a piece of truth from my past sins and tied it to my current reality. Essentially, my night terrors were bringing me back to my past. Forcing me to relive mistakes I had made. It was awful. It was exhausting. And, it was Satan.
Satan is known as the deceiver (Genesis 3:13). The trickster. The one who exists to peel your eyes away from the truth and freedom we can have in Christ and towards the lies and bondage of the world. He wants you to see the glass half empty. He makes the dirt floor shiny so that you'd never have the motivation to look up. He wanted me to believe that my past wasn't just something I lived through, but something that I was. If the enemy of my soul could get me to believe that I was my mistakes, then he knew I wouldn't become the follower of Christ, wife, and daughter God was calling me out of that grave to be.
So often people go through life playing the blame game. They blame their parents, their children, their boss, their circumstances for their actions. They focus their eyes behind them, to give them a reason for why they are the way they are. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe in generational bondage. The sins of our parents chained to us in a way that slyly persuades us to follow in their footsteps. Alcoholism, divorce, pride, insecurity, greed. These (and more) are all things that are easily passed down through generations. But, have you ever considered that this was never God's plan? That God has called you out of bondage to be a chain breaker? That those chains are held secure by the enemy of this world, and can be loosed by the creator of it (Ephesians 6:11-12)?!
Satan would love for you to spend $1,000's of dollars in counseling to come to the conclusion that your parents totally messed you up. Or, that a diagnosis of depression was your ultimate fate. That the burdens you are currently dragging everywhere will forever weigh you down, because you have no one else to lift them. He is deceitful and the ultimate shamer. the Bible tells us that Satan's fate is sealed. He will lose this war, and he knows it. Revelation says that he who deceived the world will be thrown into the lake of fire!
If you believe in Christ Jesus, your fate is sealed too, with Jesus in heaven. Until that day though, we have a battle to fight. This isn't an ordinary battle, see this one is fought from a victorious stance. We, in Jesus, have already won. Some days it may not feel that way, and some days the battles may defeat us, but remember your stance, you are on the winning team.
We cannot defeat the enemy, without getting to know the enemy. So lets get acquainted with who he is.
Satan was cast out of Heaven because instead of serving God, he wanted to be God (Revelation 12:9). He is roaring around like a preying lion to steal from you, kill and destroy you (1 Peter 5:8). When a thought enters your mind and it triggers anxiety, or worry, ask yourself, is this a thought that is meant to steal from me? Meant to kill my joy or destroy my peace? Lets get better at recognizing these thoughts as his schemes. It is our first step towards victorious living. The Bible reminds us to take those thoughts captive. Captive, like a prisoner. Friend, this is war! Satan would love to steal your peace, we have a battle to fight in our minds first before we can ever lift our eyes and walk in victory.
Satan is a killer. Have you ever had a God given dream that you didn't chase because of fear? Fear is never from God, only the enemy. He desires to kill your hopes and shatter your dreams. He wants to kill your purpose in this life so that you would be stagnant and unmoving. He wants nothing more than to make you useless for God.
He destroys. Satan wants you to doubt the goodness of God, doubt that you are His daughter, doubt that He loves you. He wants to isolate you by keeping you from church and other believers. Like an outsider or straggler in a pack of deer, this wolf is coming to destroy you. He wants to take the shame that Jesus died on the cross for and tie it back around your neck.
My prayer for you is that you would strengthen your ability to recognize the enemies attacks and fight him with the truth that Jesus is speaking over you.
The Bible says, "We all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." But it also says, that if we confess those sins, he is faithful and just (true) to forgive them (Romans 3:23-24). When Jesus's hands were nailed to the cross, your sin was on Him. When the thorns pieced His head, your shame was carried. His feet were nailed and His side was speared, all for our messes. This pain He endured was to ultimately give us a way to Him. Sin and shame would no longer be a mountain between us. He tore down walls, He ripped apart chains, He radically redeemed our messes because He wants us.
On February 14th, 2018 Satan's reign of shaming me for my past was about to end. I asked a woman in my church family to sit with me and hear my mess. I wanted to confess all that I ever had done. I shared with her that my past would forever haunt me because I was chained to it. Literally. I believed in something called a "soul-tie". Essentially, it is the thought that anyone you have ever given your body or heart to, outside of marriage, would be "tied" to your soul forever. It was a gut wrenching, heavy burden I carried into my marriage. To believe this, meant I believed that I could never give myself fully to my husband. That we'd never be as close as God originally had planned, because of my past mistakes. This belief was told to me quickly after turning my life over to Christ by very well meaning people. They encouraged me to pray often that these "ties" would be broken.
Defeated, I knew I could never pray enough or apologize enough. I knew my shame was meant to hang over me. This was my punishment.
Before I could even finish expressing all that I had done in my past, this sweet mentor of mine stood up. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I am calling bull sh#+ on the enemy!" She grabbed my hand and told me that I had been believing a lie. That Jesus didn't just die on the cross for all of my past sins and future ones, but He also died for my shame! For me to carry around that shame was like a man wearing his grave clothes while he was alive and well.
A few days later, I came across a verse in Psalms that said that God was the "keeper of my soul" and no man can destroy it. Jesus opened my eyes to the truth that He, and He alone has hold of my soul, and it is safe with Him. Therefore, I didn't give my soul away, I couldn't! It was Gods and he had me in his warm Father hug, like he always had.
As the lie disintegrated in my heart, so did the night terrors. I haven't had one in over 2 years. Satan's lie was finally busted, and I am able to look back at my past with a smile knowing that God, full of grace and compassion wooed me away from my sin and towards a free life with Him.
I shake at the thought of what Satan would have done in my life had I continued to walk in shame believing a lie. How He would have successfully held me back out of fear and past regret.
What shame or guilt are you holding onto? Do you believe that you can trade in your shame for His glory, right now? Would you bravely admit that holding onto your shame, is not God's will for your life? Lay it down sister. Walk freely in the path He is calling you today. When you begin to hear a lie from the enemy, trade it in for truth, and see how free you can become!
Satan's Lies : God's Truth You aren't enough : God is enough. He will be your strength. You aren't beautiful : You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Knit together in your mothers womb by a perfect God. You won't get through this : God gives his children exactly what they need in the season they are in. He supplies all of our needs. Daily, he will give you just enough for that day. You don't need other people : God created us for community. To share our good and ugly with them so that we would point others to the truth. God is withholding from me : Jesus created us for life to be fully experienced along side of Him. He is calling us out to see the gifts he daily lavishes on you. He is with us in the waiting and knows our hearts cry.
Lets fight this war from a place of victory my sisters. Recognize and capture Satans lies, replace them with truth, then lift our heads to where our help comes from. Lets walk in freedom together.
I am encouraged by you and praying for you.
Jessica
