We got in the car to bring another friend another meal because they had just had another baby. You’d think it would get easier. Josh and I had been married for 6 years at the time. We were living back in Jacksonville after 3 years in Nashville, and it felt like we were finally home. We were so joyful to get to experience life with these people again. To actually be able to bring a hot meal when our friends needed support instead of a “I’m thinking and praying for you” text. There is something life giving that happens to me when I can serve someone food. But, this time felt different. The truth was, I wanted to be in the season of life that they were in. I wanted a baby. I wanted a baby so deeply that I prayed and prayed for one until I finally resorted to the thought that God, was in fact, withholding his goodness from me. I was not picky, I told God I would love a child whether it was biological or adopted. I would love a child whether they came into our lives at age 1 or age 10. I just wanted to be someone’s mommy. And this desire was as deep as they come. You know, the nagging one, the one you make all of your life decisions around, even though it doesn’t exist.
I know what you’re thinking. Infertility, right? Not exactly. Truthfully, I would tell myself that that may have been easier. But I couldn’t truly claim that title. Sure, there were doctors that told me I needed to have a surgery if I ever wanted to bear children. There were doctors that diagnosed me with Endometriosis and even Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. But, I knew in my heart if God wanted me to be a mom biologically, those things wouldn’t matter to a life-giving God.
So, what held us back? It was a very loud and clear “Not yet.” You know that feeling you get when you are about to make a wrong turn in life? The inner voice makes your stomach turn all the way around and you just know you have to turn back. You can’t explain it, but you just know. The inner voice is easy to head when it aligns with your heart’s desire, but tragically hard when it doesn’t. And, this was the latter. God was clear, we were not to be parents yet.
What do you do when your heart’s desire is a good one? God you told us to be fruitful and multiply for crying out loud! What’s the hesitation? Maybe your desire is for a loving spouse. That’s a good calling right? God, your Word says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Aren’t I a “good thing?!” Maybe it’s health. You’ve tried and tried, but that health goal just keeps moving further away. Or, you or a loved one is battling a diagnosis. You are desperately trying to keep a good face, but the ache of "what if" and "not yet" are daunting. Maybe from the outside, you have it all, but you just cant seem to turn your "happy button" on. If we are honest, we are all craving the next thing, the new thing, or their thing. What is it for you?
For me, I had to get to a place in my heart that I asked myself, “Do I want this thing more than I want God?” Truth was, I did. So, I prayed. I didn’t want something that wasn’t God’s will for me. But, I wanted him to take away the desire I had for a baby if it truly wasn’t his will. I wanted him to give me a peace and a calm about the season I was in. Desiring something that you don’t have is absolutely exhausting! But, how do we get rid of the nagging desire ache?
Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” The first part is the key, and it’s the part that we have to do. The second half of the verse is God’s job. So, let’s look at our end of the deal.
“Delight yourself in the Lord...” Google translates the word delight as “taking great pleasure in”. Think, chocolate ice cream with drizzled warm peanut butter on top. Think a little boy’s squeal of joy when his daddy gets home from work. Think a tall glass of wine after a long work week, with that one friend that just totally fills your heart’s cup. It’s that kind of delight that we are called into. It’s that kind of delight that is available to us.
Do you delight in Him? Do you enjoy God? Or, are you afraid of Him? Do you avoid Him? Do you worship him by thanking him for the little gifts your day has brought you, or is he on the shelf in your home collecting dust until tragedy hits? If this convicts you, sweet friend, let it hurt. It’s ok. His convictions are his kindnesses to us. If you feel shame though, please please know that that is not of God. This God we have the ability to serve is good, and kind, and forgiving, and readily available. He wants nothing more than for you to take delight in his goodness toward you. In just a moment, we will look at some tangible steps we can take to delight in Christ. So go head girl, dust that Bible off!
When we take steps to find delight in God, our hearts just change. I can’t explain it, but if you know, you know. When we begin to delight in Christ, he changes our hearts to want what he wants for us, thus, giving us the desires of our hearts. He will give us these longings, because now, they line up with his good and perfectly timed will for our lives.
As we pulled out of my friends’ home that day, I turned my face to look out the window and I cried. Thick, heavy, aching, hot tears. The hurt didn’t just go away. And neither did the desire. But as I prayed and found more delight in Gods will than my own, peace came. Peace came and it sat down right next to my want. It held my want for a baby, and it cleared my vision so that I could see the miracle within the “not yet.”
I asked God, “What then?” “What do you want me to do in my waiting.” I could have buried my head in work or busied myself in whatever the world told me was best. But, that’s the thing, there are miracles to be had in the “not yets” of life and I didn’t want to miss them.
For me, my “not yet” included serving the youth for a couple years at our church. It was here that I made one of my forever friends who edits this blog for me. It included training for a second marathon and beating a goal I set for myself. The miracle in this was that my music broke! I ran 26.2 miles without music, with a smile on my face, worshipping the God who allowed me the ability to run, and I freaking loved it! During the training I developed another forever friend in a running partner that woke up at the butt crack of dawn to train with me! I went to Africa for 3 weeks with a beautiful organization called Hope Speaks. We provided speech therapy for kiddos there and I simultaneously made yet another forever friend in my travels! In the “not yet” season, my husband and I grew exponentially in our marriage. A lot of selfishness and pride were being stripped away and we were falling more in love than the day we married. I got some counseling, and it was life changing! Revisiting the biggest shame moments of your past with a trained professional is beautiful and healing to the core.
Jesus wasn’t just saying “no” to this desire I had. He was saying “yes” to many beautiful gifts and miracles in the season I was in right then.
Don’t miss the miracles within the aches of God’s “not yet”. There are gifts to be had here. It was another 18 long months before my desire for a baby would be fulfilled. But, those months were a treasure. I learned a new way of life. I learned how to delight in God. More than knowing him, I delighted in who he was.
Action steps to delighting in God If telling yourself to delight in Christ is a little like telling yourself to fall asleep, I have good news for you. There is a map and a plan laid out in the Bible. A quick, back of the Bible search for the word "delight" and here is what we get! These verses can help us open our eyes to see life through Jesus' perfect vision. It doesn't matter what achy waiting pains you are feeling, God will use this very hour to draw you closer to Himself. 1. Doing His Will I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart. Psalm 40:8 NKJV
When we enjoy God, we begin enjoying the things he wants us to enjoy. He may not always be clear about what path you should travel, but there are very specific things he does call every one of his children to do. Love God, love your neighbor. Serve the weak. Feed the hungry. How can you do this today? Can you greet a neighbor that you usually don't talk to? Can you grab the homeless man a subway? It doesn't need to be grand! Just do it!
2. Meditating on Scriptures Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. Psalm 1:1-2 NKJV
All this means is to read scripture and simultaneously allow it to read you. Don't move on too fast and miss the lesson. His Word is a living word! It is breathing and desiring to speak to your heart. Can you write a verse on your bathroom mirror and try to memorize it? 3. Having an Honest Heart Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal truthfully are His delight. Proverbs 12:22 NKJV
AKA be real! Your desires are real. They are valid. God sees them and wants your honest heart not a perfected fake version. Talk to him. 4. Obedience Then Samuel said: Do you think all God wants are sacrifices - empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to Him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production.. 1 Samuel 15:22 MSG
Sit with that one for a second. Your sacrifice for God means little to Him in comparison with your ears being opened to Him.
5. Prayer God can't stand pious poses, but he delights in genuine prayers. Proverbs 15:8 MSG
This means he wants you! Yeah you, right now. Without your makeup on, the raw, the real, the deep down ugly, the messy version, the true you. He wants that genuine version of you to talk to him.
What desires do you crave so deeply it hurts? What is God gifting you with in this waiting? What is God calling you to, as he gently whispers “Not yet my love.”?
Heavenly Father we adore you. We receive gift after gift from you and forget to say thank you. We forget that you gave us the food we ate and the people that loved us today. We pass by your gifts of love unnoticed and for that we are sorry. We want to make you the forefront of our thoughts and desires. God we have aching desires and you know them. Lord would you help us in the waiting and the “not yets” of today? Would you wash peace over the burning in our hearts? Don’t let us miss the gifts and callings of today. Let your will be louder and let your desires for our lives line up with what we feel in our hearts. God you are mighty and able and that’s why we call on you today. Amen
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love,
Jessica