It's a mommy's day "off" and the dreamy joys of parenthood felt dreary and overwhelming. One of those days that you purposefully choose living room chaos in the form of forts and towers in hopes of getting to sit in one space to take a few sips of coffee. I breath in the sight of him, my first son. I still love his smell and the way his hair falls naturally around his eyes. I love the way his mind works a million miles a minute as he creates. Always creating. Always seeing magical in mundane. A helicopter in a pile of blocks, a hippo out of pillows that he jumps fearlessly into, his daddy driving his hot wheel car up the walls and over my legs. I needed to breath him in, the fullness and joy of who he was in this moment. A teething baby can often take precedent over joining this boy in his imaginary realm.
This morning he built a tall tower. Lop sided, yet purposeful. I kept wanting to add blocks to help him balance it out, but he refused the help. He had a vision. And this vision did not include mommy's balancing act, but it did include her hands. He wanted me to hold the tower while he built higher and higher. He wanted me to be the steadying anchor. And my boy had no fears that his masterpiece may fall. No, mom had a hold on it. He built higher and more lopsided. We decided to lean it against the couch while I continued to hold it for more support. This was satisfying for him and exciting.
He could create without restraint. He could allow the tower to be all he imagined it to be. Not because it was sure and straight. Not that at all. But because he trusted in the anchor and support holding it.
Life has a way of pushing us to find our own balancing act of sorts. Don't do too much of this or that. Make sure you find time for this and those things. But, don't eat those! And, make sure you find joy in eating them. It's confusing! Where is the line that creates the perfected "balance?"
Maybe God isn't calling us toward a balanced life. Maybe, if we are really honest with ourselves, we'd know we are created for something that feels terrifyingly off balance. The thing we certainly don't have a calendar slot for, may be the actual door we have to open. Or maybe the child we don't even have a room for, is the child that was created to join our family. Maybe the job you are holding so tight to, is the one you'll have to let go of.
As sure as my boy is of his mommy's ability to hold his growing tower, friend, I can promise our God is a billion trillion times more sure. We can run through this life lopsided, feet flailing behind us, and hot atrocity messes. He will hold us up. He will be our anchor. He will provide a way where there just isn't one. But, we have to let Him. We have to let go. If we continue to try to be the balancing act and hold all our crap on our own shoulders, He won't step in. He doesn't have to. He is gentle and kind and patient. But, if we lean the weight of who we are and who He is calling us to be into His mighty grasp, H will be sure to hold us.
What are you holding onto a little too tightly?
What is something daring and bold and brave that God may be calling you toward today?
Love always,
Jessica
P.S. Thank you for reading this and for journeying with me. I hope to begin to write a lot more often again. <3